Most times you read about grateful pupils leaving primary school and about grateful students starting their secondary school with the help of a wonderful teacher and mentor. When you are a pre-school teacher it's not something you can count on. It's the hugs and cheerful smiles what makes you warm inside while ending the school year. It's enough.
At the end of this year I'm grateful for the bruises at my tibia and the remembrance of a soft spoken "Sorry" and of two hugs. All coming from the same student on a morning just before the end of the school year.
Being a substitute at a school for special educational needs is not easy, but I love it. Up until the school holiday would start I am there one day a week. In this small class of pre-schoolers.
Jessy has a hard time taking it in. What is this all about? A new, different teacher? Why??
The first day we meet she shows me how many ways of sitting on her chair there are. Very few of them came close to siting straight while looking at me. We started the day like they are used to: sitting in a half circle while doing the routine songs, repeating the calendar plus what is going to happen this day? Jessy managed to push her neighbour far away from her, kick a classmate and shouting the answers to me without ever raising her hand.
We are able to found out what works best for the two of us. Sometimes it is harder than other times. (Why do I want to play a board game with them? Jessy's losing the game takes a lot of both our strengths to cope with it.) Together we make the best of my substituting days.
When I manage to react very slowly it means that most of the times it turns out very well. Like that moment when I saw Jessy taking her chair and walk with it towards the tiny paddling pool we had in class. We have a project 'Summer' and next to the small tent there is this baby pool with 3 centimeters of water in it to put the dolls in for a swim. While I was thinking 'Ohh, HELP!! WHAT is she going to do now??' Jessy puts her chair in the middle of the baby pool, sits on it with her arms loosely hanging down looking straight ahead and says: "I'm a life guard." This time the theme wasn't 'summer at the camping site', but at the beach :-)
The last morning, though there was no escape. We start, as usual, with short time of playing while waiting for the last children to arrive. Jessy makes a class mate cry within a few minutes of time. Crying, comforting and a warning is what happens next. I'm staying very close to her to prevent a repetition to happen. But it did happen. Now Desha cries because Jessy hits her in the face. The routine in the half circle gets an update and everyone is happy with the very short version. I want to speak with Jessy. Unfortunately she manages to kick Aldin, as he walks in front of her with his chair. Aldin kicks back and I get some kicks when standing between them.
Jessy's kicking doesn't stop. She tries to pull her hand out of my firm grip. She starts cursing adding "I want to bite you. I'm a monster.". We are now standing outside the class. My head is in the door opening so I can see the other kids in class. I'm able to nod supportively and communicate with them when they have a question or show me something.
I don't say a lot. After what seems to be 'for ever' Jessy calms down and says she wants to sit down quietly. I'm sitting next to her. I want to prevent any argument due to grasping clay from her friend with whom she wants to play. I want to help her become at rest. One moment I am too late. I'm looking at her friend with a positive "conspiracy" smile. Her friend smiles at me and the playing continues.
When I notice that Jessy has really calmed down I want to hear her saying "Sorry".
Jessy: "Wy?"
"Well ... Because you've hurt me while kicking. And I also want you to tell Aldin you're sorry. Youve hurt him too."
Jessy looks at my with a face that looks like 'stubborn and angry'. I am afraid we've lost the calmness just regained. Jessy doesn't say anything but walks to the wc.
When I'm picking up marbles from the floor together with four kids I hear a soft "Sorry". I look up and see Jessy. I squeeze her to my side for a second.
"Good! I'm happy with that! Now you'll tell it to Aldin."
Jessy: "No. I don't want that."
"Come. I'll walk with you."
Hand in hand we walk to Aldin. He doesn't look at us. He's busy with his jigsaw.
Jessy: "Sorry"
"Did Aldin hear that, Jess? Aldin, Jessy wants to say something to you."
Aldin looks at me, at his jigsaw and for a short moment at Jessy.
Jessy: "Sorry"
Aldin reaches out his hand to her.
Aldin: "It's okay. It doesn't matter to me."
I'm smiling, Aldin is working on his jigsaw and Jessy asks what time it is.
This morning I get two warm hugs by Jessy. She asks me what I am going to tell her mum when school is over and her mum is going to pick her up. She knows it is the first thing her mother will ask, like every day "What did she do this time?". Expecting bad things have happened. Jessy has said to me once "I want to stay with you. Here at school." I know her parents put a lot of attention on the negative "wrong" things that occur on a day. What has gone "wrong" today at home, before starting school??
I tell mum that the day started not very good. It had been a challenge that morning to move in the right direction. But we've managed! For the majority of the time in class it has been a very good day. Mum is happy to hear this. Jessy asks her if she gets an ice cream while looking at me for a short moment.
The next few days my bruises are getting more clear and I am happy with them! I'm grateful for my work. When seeing (and feeling) them I also feel a hug from a girl who has to deal with inner fights at school. Fights that can lead to inner calm with the help of patience, calmness, love and good examples. Inner calmness is creating a huge possibility of positive contact, connectedness with classmates, the teachers, staff ánd with oneself.
Again I am surprised by the attitude of (pre-school) children attending schools of special educational needs. All Jessy's classmates want is that every child is feeling OKAY; is doing OKAY. They all are very forgiving. They don't want long speeches about what went wrong. Saying 'Sorry' and ... go on! Go on with what we were doing that was okay. Maybe that's why I love to be a solution focused substitute teacher at special educational schools!
Ella de Jong
